two can play that game.

i'm sure i've posted about my mom's neglect/selfishness leading to my dad kicking me when he MEANT to kick my mom. i had numerous dreams reminiscing this abuse mainly around when i last had surgery on my bowel when it was blocked. kinda like God was explaining to me why i was going through the shit i was. i came to the realization about how sad it was to just be diagnosed with ptsd by my recent psychologist after i told her about the dreams i had about my mom holding me in front of her when my dad kicked her. i'm pretty sure that was around the last time i ever seen him before my grandpa got pissed off at him and chased him to mexico (where he died later on.. during an accident while trading drugs in mexico by the cartel- my brother found that out a while ago during one of his welding jobs). i find it sad that i was just diagnosed with ptsd after telling my psychologist about my bad reminiscing dreams about the incident and NOT after going through all the shit i went through when i got my traumatic brain injury. it's obviously MORE traumatizing to me (probably because it dealt with my own PARENTS causing ME harm). kinda like a betrayal from people who were SUPPOSED to love and protect you. my mom was more concerned with playing victim (as usual), she narcissistically was more concerned with herself before the safety of her OWN daughter. an uncaring person is probably saying, "come on! she's your mom! she did her best as a single parent to raise you!".. no. SHE DIDN'T. she had assistance from my grandparents. my brother and i lived at my grandparents' house for at least 3 or 4 years before i was in my car accident. my grandpa shot hoops with my brother and i and he went to ALL my sports games. i told my brother about the dreams i had where my mom put me in front of our dad while he was kicking her and the first thing he said was, "yeah.. that sounds like something mom would do.." i have a feeling my mom was spiteful towards me and my brother because we share the same dad versus my sister because she has a different dad than us (don't get me wrong though- my sister's dad used to beat my mom also.. it was probably more traumatic to her having the dad of my brother and i beating her because it was the first time a guy beat her? i think but i'm in NO MEANS condoning her shitty ass parenting.. just trying to make sense of it). the longer i get kept from moving successfully and INDEPENDENTLY to a place in another state of MY CHOICE- the more shit is gonna come out. have you ever considered that the longer i get kept from living a life of MY CHOICE where I want (to keep me busy with MY own life)- THE MORE SHIT IS GONNA COME OUT. IF amanda was as smart as she tries to make herself out to be by neglectfully assisting me to make MY own life where I want so she can just use courage kenny as a distraction from helping me to live MY LIFE WHERE I WANT- where i'll be too busy and happy living MY OWN LIFE, i won't have time to open the can of worms that raised me as a child. i'm almost positive that's what motivated me to run off and meet tim after speaking to him online for probably at least 3 or 4 years before flying out to meet him. so HER NARCISSISTIC ASS CAN TRY TO CRY VICTIM FOR BEING THE CAUSE OF HER OWN DAUGHTER'S WRECKLESS CHOICES WHICH ALMOST KILLED HER. THERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN TAKE CREDIT FOR! YOU MUST BE PROUD!.. seriously- this woman basically competes with me when she finds an opportunity to also. she whined to me when i was living in burnsville how i "had a better apartment" than her. grow up. she's never had my best interests in mind. one person might argue, "WELL SHE TOOK CARE OF YOU AFTER YOUR CAR ACCIDENT!" again.. because my grandma MADE her. i remember hearing her whine MANY times to my grandma on the phone when i used to go to her apartment when i used to go there just so i could see my grandma, get my nails done, and get groceries for my place. she doesn't care about me. she just enjoys getting attention from people, calling my grandma's friends and whining to my grandma's sister about how she "misses me so much" because she doesn't like the fact that someone who came from the same place as she did is doing things with their lives to make them happy that she never made the effort to do herself- she doesn't wanna see anyone happy if she's not happy (which she obviously isn't- misery loves company.. she's done absolutely NOTHING with her life and the only thing she's ever made that she can be proud of- she's ungrateful for (her children) and steals from them when she's not using her other kid as a shield while being kicked by their dad.. it's mean to say but even though he was more than likely heavily influenced by alcohol, i can understand his frustration with her and he more than likely wasn't even fluent in english.. so she had to have pissed him off badly for him to want to kick and hit a woman). she's always gotta play victim. so that probably got to him too. i can look forward to having to be hooked up to a colostomy bag now because my parents were/are selfish pricks! i've already had a perforated bowel, blocked bowel, i'm pretty sure being hooked up to a colostomy bag is the last step to my problems caused by shitty parents! with CARE like this- IT'S HARD TO SEE WHY I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE NOTHING LIKE MY MOM AND ALWAYS TRIED TO AVOID CONNECTING WITH HER! SEE AMANDA?! HARD TO SEE WHY I'VE WANTED TO LIVE IN A DIFFERENT STATE! *ROLLS EYES* maybe to a naive, selfish person expected to assist me in moving somewhere i could be TRULY happy and actually useful and constructive with my life. "naive".. a nice way of saying "ignorant" and "stupid". YOU'RE SERIOUSLY STUPID IF YOU DON'T REALIZE WHY I WANNA LIVE ANYWHERE MY MOM IS NOT. go distract some other mentally handicapped person you're expected to actually HELP for your own aunt- so you're just making her look more clueless than she was. i DID go to numerous psychologists before this one and they attempted to see if i had PTSD because of all the shit i went through with my car accident but just recently i was diagnosed with PTSD after my reminiscing dreams i had about my mom holding me in front of her while my dad kicked her (she tried to make it look nanchalant when trying to make my dad see that she wanted him to calm down because i was there but if a parent is sober and the other parent is drunk and angry, the most LOGICAL thing for the other parent to do would be to get her daughter out of the situation and environment as soon as possible- that is only of course if that parent is LOVING and CARING.. both of which i think my mom thinks is only an option whenever it's good and/or convenient for HER). she has ABSOLUTELY NO INFLUENCE ON WHERE I END UP IN LIFE. NEVER HAS. NEVER WILL. THAT RUINS AMANDA'S INTENTIONS! GONNA HAVE TO TRY SOMETHING ELSE. who am i kidding? she doesn't give a shit. "YOU GOT THIS!" - amanda's idea of "support". i told my psychologist about how she says this when i used to call her (back when i foolishly thought she was "helping" me) and my psychologist looked at me cluelessly and said, "HAS SHE EVER HELPED A PERSON WITH A TBI BEFORE?!" and i said, "i don't know.. sure doesn't seem like it." the longer i go without moving somewhere I ACTUALLY WANT- the more shit is gonna come out. YOUR CHOICE, GENIUS! YOU GOT THIS!